But I NEED you!
by Paige Roberts
Summary: When SpongeBob learns that Sandy and Larry broke up, he's over joyed. But then Sandy uses him as her gal pal to get through it. Can he survive one intense week of girly activities?
1. The News

**A/N: Okay, okay. I know that this one doesn't have as much SB/Sandy romance as my other stories do, but it still has some, so don't get mad at me!!** **Also, note that Sandy** **is a bit out of character in terms of seeming clingy and unstable to merely show and add more effect that guys are completely CLUELESS when it comes to women (no offense, fellas!). ****Well, pretty pretty please, R&R:-)**

Chapter 1: The news

One evening at the familiar pineapple home of everyone's favorite sponge, SpongeBob was washing the dishes, when the phone rang. He smiled broadly and put down a plate.

"Oooh, a phone call! I'll get it, Gare Bear!" he said, racing into the living room and picking up his shell phone.

"SquarePants Residence, Robert speaking," he said in a mock British accent. On the other end, someone was crying like a baby.

"SPOWAABOBWWAABRAKKKWAAAMEOWWW!"

"Sandy...?" SpongeBob asked in a confused tone, holding the phone back a few inches from his ear. More sobs came from the other line.

"YEWAAHH!"

Spongebob's heart fluttered. "Oh, hey, Sandy. What's goin' on?" he asked, plopping down on his large red sofa. There were several sniffs from the other line, then it quieted down.

"SpongeBob..." Sandy said in a different-sounding voice, "I-I..have a little problem..."

"What is it?" SpongeBob asked.

Sandy sighed. "Um...it's just that...well, you know how me and Larry are –er...well, we um...look, we go out, alright?!" she said quickly. SpongeBob's face hardened.

"Yeah, Sandy, I know," he said, "And how can I forget it...? You and Larry have...been a pair of smitten mittens for three months now–three...veeery long months..."

There was another long pause.

"W-W-W-WAHHHHHAHHHAHHA!!!! OH, SPONGEBOB!!"

SpongeBob pulled the phone all the way away from his ear. "Woah, woah, _what_ is the problem?" He asked her in a concerned voice.

"Oh, SpongeBob-sniff-I'm such a dork! I ain't nothin' but a stupid, stupid, good for nothing LOSER!" Sandy said, erupting into tears again.

"Oh, no, no! Sandy you're not a dork; you're the most..._beautiful_–"

"Huh?"

"Nothing! You're just...not a dork, okay?!?"

"...Well...you're just saying that! You think I'm the stupidest girl you've ever met!"

SpongeBob started to sweat. He'd seen this on T.V. several times before, but he never thought it would be happening to him!

"No, Sandy! It's impossible for you to be the stupidest girl I've ever met, because you're the _only_ girl I've ever met! There, see?"

Another long pause.

"You do think I'm stupid!!" Sandy said, breaking out into more sobs.

"Sandy, believe me when I say that–"

"WAAAHAH!!"

"Sandy, please don't cry; aw, c'mon...shhh, no tears, shh..."

Sandy finally stopped crying.

"There you go...feel better?" SpongeBob asked in a comforting voice.

"Not until I know the answer to this question," Sandy said almost instantly. "SpongeBob...do you...think I'm attractive?"

SHOT GUN SOUND

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr. Krabs: Hey, there, kiddies! Eugene H. Krabs here. Look, I know I probably shouldn't be interrupting the fanfic, but I'd like to talk to you all about a little phrase called:

"Male Pressures!"

Male Pressure happens when a female asks a male to do or say something that's either degrading, or he just doesn't know how to put it! For example, SpongeBob is currently experiencing these Male Pressures with Sandy. This one goes out to all the ladies: don't ever, and I mean EVER ask a man if he thinks you're pretty. 'Cause guess what? Maybe he doesn't! The safest way to make sure that–

Me: Eugene! What do you think you're doing?? Didn't I tell you to stay out of my fanfics?!?

Mr. Krabs: Well, uh, I uh–

Me: Let's get him, Squid!

Me and Squidward: ATTACK!!

Patchy the Pirate: And now, back to the show!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SpongeBob stared blankly into space, blinking several times. "Uhhh..." was all he could say.

Sandy started up again. "You didn't answer. You think I'm ugly, don't you!" she cried.

SpongeBob gasped. "No! Never!" he whispered. "Hey, uh, Sandy, I'll...be right back," he added, quickly putting her on hold before she had a chance to say anything else.

"What do I do, What do I do??" he wondered aloud. "Sandy's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen! But I can't let her know that, she might find out that I like her!!"

Suddenly, his eyes fell upon a picture of his best friend Patrick Star lying on the ground.

"That's it," he said, "I'll call Patrick. He'll know what to do."

SpongeBob dialed Patrick's number into his phone with Sandy still on hold on the other line. After several rings, his friend finally answered.

"Uh...hello?"

"Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob. Listen I need to–"

"Pizza Planet?? No, this is Dominos.."

"Uh–okay..look, I need to ask you something important."

"Hello...?"

"...Hellllo...?"

"Hello? Oh, oh–SpongeBob, when'd you get here!"

"...Yeah...Pat, look, I need to ask you something about women."

The tone in Patrick's voice changed.

"Deny everything; the baby is _not_ yours, got it?"

"What? Ew, no, no, not that!"

"Oh...phew...!"

SpongeBob cringed slightly. "It's about...well, let's just say this girl asks you if you think she's pretty. What do you say?"

Patrick was silent for a moment. "Well...do you think she's pretty?"

"Uh...yeah..."

"Well, then, there you go. That was easy, huh?"

"No, Pat, it's–it's not that easy, okay? What if...telling this girl you think she's pretty might lead her to find out that you like her, and it could ruin your friendship forever??"

"..."

"Patrick..?"

"..."

"Patrick, you there, buddy...hello?"

"SpongeBob, if you don't want Sandy to find out you like her, then don't say anything."

"–gasp–Hey! I do...er...not like Sandy, okay?? We're friends. _Just_ friends. Got that?"

"Sure, SpongeBob...whatever you say.."

"Patrick!! I don't...you know I can't–well she dosen't-"

"..."

"Yeah, well, same to you too, BUB!"

And with that, SpongeBob hung up the phone on Patrick's end, took a deep breath, and then returned to Sandy's line.

"Um...hello?" he asked in an unsure tone. There was a long pause before Sandy let out a sigh.

"Well. What took _you_ so long, pardner??"

"I...I just had to–"

"It doesn't take anyone else that long to answer a question. Do you think I'm pretty, or don't you??"

"Well, er–there's this sort of..._complication_ to that question, hehe! You see I–"

"You think I'm ugly, don't you..? You think I'm ugly!"

"Sandy, I don't–"

"You.think.I'm.UGLY!!"

"Sandy, Sandy! Calm _down_!!"

On the other line, Sandy was crying. Again.

"Oh, SpongeBob. I can't take it anymore! Larry and I broke up!!" she blurted. SpongeBob shot forward.

"Oh my _God_, really!?" he asked in an excited tone, a smile creeping across his face.

"Wait–what?" Sandy asked him. Clearly, she didn't understand why SpongeBob was rejoicing her pain.

"Uh–never mind. What I meant to say was: 'oh my God...really..?'" he corrected.

"Yeah, I know!" Sandy cried, making a loud, trumpet-like sound, and SpongeBob guessed she was blowing her nose.

"We went out to dinner just the other night, and he told me–sob–he told me that this 'thing' wasn't working out! Can you believe that guy?? He called our relationship a thing–and he used it in a way of dumping me!!" she cried some more.

"Oh, yeah, that's...that's some jerk..." SpongeBob said slowly, being a male and not really understanding why that was such a big deal.

"And you wanna know what else he did??" Sandy continued angrily.

"Uh–sure...?"

"Well, today I saw him over at Mussel Beach; he was lifting weights and showing off for Pearl. Can you believe that? PEARL!!"

"Hmm. Pearl, huh?" SpongeBob asked.

"I _know_!" Sandy replied. "She's only like, seventeen!"

"Ooh, I...didn't even think about that...wow, that's–that's kind of nasty."

"No, _that's_ Larry! Always lookin' for somethin' new and fresh. So I guess the hip thing nowadays is to date high school girls–oh, okay!"

Despite how happy he was that the girl of his dreams was no longer dating the god of the waters, as people called him, SpongeBob still felt bad for her. After all, no matter how much he had hated it, Sandy had loved Larry. And nothing would ever change that.

"Gosh, Sandy...I'm awful sorry about what happened between you and Larry yesterday...I hope you feel better soon."

"Aw, it's okay, SpongeBob. I've dated so many guys before, and it's always the same line: easy come, easy go. I'm used to it by now. It's just that...Larry was the hottest one I'd ever dated..."

"–sigh–Yeah, well I gotta go, Sandy–"

"Wait! SpongeBob..?"

"Uh...yes, Sandy?"

"Do you...think maybe we could...you know, hang out tomorrow? Uh–not as a date, but...I just reeeeallly need somebody to talk to since–ahem–since the _incident_."

"Uh...sure. Sure, Sandy! How 'bout you come over to the Krusty Krab around noon?

"Great. See you there!"

"See you there. Bye!"

"Wait, SpongeBob?"

"Yeah...?"

"Thanks. You're the only friend I can really count on right now..."

SpongeBob blsuhed, and was lucky Sandy could not see his face.

"Oh, uh, I, uh–bye!"

And with that, he quickly hung up the phone, paused, and slapped himself on the forehead.

**I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter. Please R&R:-)**

**Wuv, **

**Paige**


	2. The Mall?

**A/N: Okay, okay. I know that this one doesn't have as much SB/Sandy romance as my other stories do, but it still has some, so don't get mad at me!!** **Also, note that Sandy** **is a bit out of character in terms of seeming clingy and unstable to merely show and add more effect that guys are completely CLUELESS when it comes to women (no offense, fellas!). ****Well, pretty pretty please, R&R:-)**

Chapter 2: The mall??

The next day at the beloved Krusty Krab resturant, it was an unsusually quiet day. Hardly anyone had stepped inside, except a few by passers.

SpongeBob was scrubbing the tables, Squidward was reading his Bikini Bottom Dance Quarterly, and Mr. Krabs was counting his well-earned loot.

"It's pretty slow today, huh, Squidward?" SpongeBob asked as he wiped down a table. Squidward didn't seem to hear him as he coughed slightly and turned a page of his magazine.

Just then, Sandy came through the doors of the Krusty Krab.

"Hi, Sandy!" SpongeBob said brightly when he saw her. He put down the rag with which he was cleaning the tables and walked up to her.

"Howdy, SpongeBob," Sandy replied with a small smile. SpongeBob could tell she was still a bit upset.

"Okay, now I'm gonna make this the best meal you've ever had--just stay right there, I'll go fire up the grill," SpongeBob said, giving Sandy a wink before heading into the kitchen. She sighed and slouched in her seat.

"Alright, Squidward," SpongeBob said as he passed the untidy ordering boat, "I need one krabby patty--oh, and give 'er the--he lowered his voice--_manager's treatment_.."

Squidward looked down at his co-worker blankly. "SpongeBob, if _you're_ the giving _me_ an order, than you don't need to tell it to _me_, just go do it. Secondly, you know old man Krabs won't give a discount to anybody. Why would she need a discount anyway?" he asked flatly.

SpongeBob merely stared at Squidward. "Uh, hello; look at her, Squidward--"

He directed Squidward's attention to a sorrowful-yet-still-beautiful-looking Sandy and clapped a hand over his heart. With a distant look in his eyes and one fnal, shaky sigh, he disappeared into the kitchen. Squidward shook his head.

"Desperate little monkey," he muttered, then looked up from his magazine again. "Wait...what..?"

SpongeBob grilled the patty, making sure that it was to be his best one yet. Once it was finished he placed it on a tray and carried it over to Sandy.

"There ya go: the finest sandwich under the sea, if I do say so myself," he said brightly.

Sandy smiled up at him, sighed, paused, and then continued.

"Actually, SpongeBob," she said, "I was kinda hoping that...we could go do something..."

"Well, like what?"

"Uh--shopping?"

SpongeBob's face shrunk. "_Shopping_?" he repeated, then added with a chuckle, "Hehe, uh, Sandy, I'm not really a...a shopping kind of person, so--"

"Aw, c'mon, SpongeBob! I always go shopping when I feel down...wither that or I punch stuff," Sandy said. SpongeBob took a step back.

"Since when do _you_ go shopping, anyways??" he demanded.

"What's that supposed to mean!?" Sandy shot right back at him.

"Uh--nothing! Nothing at all! It simply means that--"

"Oh, you hate me don't you! Don't you!"

"Sandy, I don't ha--"

"Then stop avoiding the question!! Why aren't you answering the question??"

"S-S-Sandy, I-I-I don't--"

"Larry...he...he used to stutter just like that, when he got nervous...ohhhh, LARRY! WAHAHA!!"

SpongeBob turned beet red.

"Hey, hey, hey, now, no tears! You promised, remember?"

"Oh, I can't help it! Larry DUMPED ME!!!!"

"Sandy--Sandy, don't--don't cry, Sandy, you're drawing attention to yourself!"

"WAAAAAHHH!"

"Okay, okay!! How about this: we'll go to the mall, okay?? You can buy yourself a nice little necklace, or something, and then everything'll be alllll better, right??" SpongeBob pleaded, droplets of sweat rolling down his face.

"I...I guess so," Sandy replied softly.

"Great; why don't you...go wait outside, I've gotta go have a talk with Squidward," SpongeBob said, practically pushing her out the door.

He raced up to Squidward. "Squidward, can you cover for me??" he asked hopefully.

Squidward was wearing a wide smirk on his face. "I saw the whole thing," he commented. Z"i've never met a guy who was so head-over-heels for a girl he'd do anything for her...it's funny, almost."

SpongeBob looked at Squidward blankly. "Ha Ha, very funny. But seriously though, I need you to cover for me!!"

Squidward laughed. "And why, in the name of _Neptune,_ would I do that?" he asked smugly.

SpongeBob looked all around him to make sure no one was in sight. "Well," he said, "I don't know. Why don't you ask Mr. Lincoln, huh?" he asked, pulling out a crisp bill out of his pocket.

"That depends," Squidward replied, "Does he have a twin brother?"

SpongeBob reached into his other pocket. "No, he said, "But he's got a _big_ brother.."

Squidward snatched the money out of SpongeBob's hands.

"Deal."


	3. Six More Hours

**A/N: Okay, okay. I know that this one doesn't have as much SB/Sandy romance as my other stories do, but it still has some, so don't get mad at me!!** **Also, note that Sandy** **is a bit out of character in terms of seeming clingy and unstable to merely show and add more effect that guys are completely CLUELESS when it comes to women (no offense, fellas!). ****Well, pretty pretty please, R&R:-)**

Chapter 3: Six More Hours

The next day, SpongeBob awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of a phone ringing.

"Wha...what...?" he wondered drowsily.

With his eyes still barely open, he waved his hand around for the phone.

"Gary...? Gary, are you playing the Jingle Jams CD again?"

Fnally, he felt the phone and unsteadily picked it up.

"Hello...?" he asked in a groggy voice.

"Mornin', SpongeBob! Beautiful day, ain't it!"

SpongeBob leaned forward. "Sandy...Sandy is--is that _you_?" he asked slolwy.

Sandy giggled. "Well of course it is, silly! So, what we doin' today?" she asked him in a bright tone.

"Uh, today?" SpongeBob asked, glancing at his clock. "Sandy, we just got back from the mall _two hours ago_!"

"Yeah, so?"

"Sooo, technically, it's still that day. G'night!"

"I was thinkin' we'd catch a movie; what do you think?"

"Sandy, I've got work in six hours, so--"

"Or maybe we could go to Beauty R Us...it's uh...that time of the month--"

"Okay, ew, ew!" SpongeBob said, stopping the entire conversation. "Sandy it's only two in the morning and I've really gotta get some sleep. Now why don't you do the same?"

There was a small pause.

"I know; I can't sleep!"

SpongeBob sighed. "Oh, no, don't tell me now you've got nightmares too?"

"No, no...it's just that...I keep thinkin' about Larry!"

SpongeBob held up a fist and punched himself in the face. He had been woken up at 2 AM only to have the love of his life tell him how upset she was about her break up. He let out a frustrated sigh.

"Sandy--I'm sorry, but I really don't give two shrimps about Larry the Lobster. All I care about at the moment is getting some shut eye!" he cried.

"Excuse me!" Sandy replied angrily, "But how _rude_ was that! I call your house, hoping to talk to my best friend to cheer me up through a hard time, and all you can say is: 'Uh, uh, hey Sandy! I wanna go to sleep! I'm an insensitive pig!'"

"An insensitive pig!? Sandy, I'll be grilling meat in six hours, do you hear me?? SIX HOURS!! If I don't get sleep I'll never make it through the day!"

"Oh, c'mon, all you do is sit there and watch patties sizzle, it shouldn't require too much energy!"

"--gasp--Are you suggesting that my job is _easy_!?"

"--scoff--Well, if the boot fits!"

"Oh, and I guess your job is tougher, huh??"

"Uh, yeah! Try making a new invention every day, havin' to present it to a couple of stuck-up tightwads who criticize everything to an _extreme_!"

"Whatever, whatever! I bet you Jim Carey could do that, and the guy has so much energy he'd probably jump around the whole room and break everything!"

"..."

"Sandy?"

"..."

"Sandy, you there...?"

"L-L-L-Larry used to l-l-love Jim Carey...OHHHH, LARRY, WAHAHAHA!!!"

"Ah, for the love of Neptune..." SpongeBob whispered helplessly. "Okay, okay, let's...let's calm down, now!"

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

"Sandy--oh, Jesus--Sandy, please don't do this right now. Please."

"WAHAHAHAH!!"

"Sandy, I really--"

"OH, LARRY! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?? WHAT WENT WORNG!?!?!?!?!"

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey!! How 'bout we go on a little Fun Trip today, just you and me, huh? Will-will that get you to stop crying, huh??"

Sandy stopped. "I...I don't know, SpongeBob--"

"Well, tell ya what: I'm gonna go to sleep, and...when you decide, give me a call, alright?"

"But I--"

"'Night, beautiful!"

And without another word, SpongeBob hung up the phone and immediately fell back asleep.


	4. He's The Man

**A/N: Okay, okay. I know that this one doesn't have as much SB/Sandy romance as my other stories do, but it still has some, so don't get mad at me!!** **Also, note that Sandy** **is a bit out of character in terms of seeming clingy and unstable to merely show and add more effect that guys are completely CLUELESS when it comes to women (no offense, fellas!). ****Well, pretty pretty please, R&R:-)**

Chapter 4: He's The Man

Later on that day--six hours later to be exact--SpongeBob was at the Krusty Krab, trying to stay awake. Sandy had called him just thirty minutes after their conversation to give a long list of all the things she hated about Larry. Sure, SpongeBob was up for listening, but Sandy wouldn't quit talking! Oh, it was all this about how self-absorbed Larry was, and how much he had loved the women, and how much she wanted to pinch his face in. Needless to say SpongeBob was very happy to hear this news, but he just had to get some sleep!

Finally, Sandy got off the phone--two minutes before SpongeBob's alarm clock went off.

Through first nature, he hopped out of bed and drowsily yelled: "I'm ready." But no sooner had he stod up did he groan and plop back down on his bed. Gary slithered up to him.

"Meow," he said.

"No! I am NOT tired and I can TO make it through work! Just wa--snoooooooore--"

Gary shook his head and whipped out a trumpet. He blew into it and played that little song they use to wake up the troops and SpongeBob's eyes flew open.

"Who-what-when-huh!?" the sponge said, taken by surprise. He saw Gary looking up at him.

"Meow," Gary siad in an I-told-you-so voice. SpongeBob snatched the trumpet out of his snail's hands.

"Very funny, Gary," he said, standing up and swaying uneasily. Everything was a blur around him.

"Aw, man," he said in a sleepy voice, "I haven't felt this bad since the writers of the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie thought it would be funny for me to get drunk off of ice cream.."

FLASHBACK...

"Gawhhhh," SpongeBob said as he swallowed one more gulp of his "Double Dutch" beverage. Patrick was sitting next to him, drinking the same thing, but he didn't seem to feel any different. Steve (that's Stephen Hillenburg,) was on the other side of him, cheering him on.

"C'mon, SpongeBob--just a few more downs of alchol and you'll be wasted enough to do this scene the _right_ way!" he said with a broad, encouraging smile.

"Why can't I just act like I'm drunk; I'm an _act_or, that's what you pay me to do!" SpongeBob had said angrily.

"Oh, suck it up, SquarePants!" Steve shot back. "Look: Patrick's nearly--"

"BUUUUURP!"

"--Finished with his drink!"

"I'm just...I'm just not this kind of guy, Stephen! You know SpongeBob would never do somethin' like this, or you should know! You created me for God's sake!"

"I know--"

"You're the one who made me a twenty-one year old sap who still thinks he's a kid, works at a fast food joint--"

"I know, but--"

"And doesn't have a girlfriend!! My life's misery is all _your_ doing!!"

"Perfect! That's the kind of sorrow we need for this scene to boost our ratings! Okay, you're drunk enough--let's roll."

FLASHBACK OVER...

SpongeBob waved good bye to Gary and staggered outside. He began to crawl over to the Krusty Krab, when all of a sudden--

He saw her coming...

"SpooooongeBoooooob!"

SpongeBob felt himself stiffen.

"It's...**her**..."

"Hey, SpongeBob--ready to go catch that moive?"

"AHHHHH! I've gotta hide! Gotta hide, gotta hide, gotta hide--"

But it was too late. Sandy was already right behind him.

"Hide from what?"

glass-breaking sound

"Uh...nothing, hehe! Nothing at all...I was just...role playing! Yeah, that's it! I'm pretending to be that guy who gets smushed in Godzilla!"

Sandy laughed. "Well quit playin' Performing Arts School and let's get goin'!"

SpongeBob held back. "Sandy, I've got work--remember, SIX HOURS AGO!?!"

"Oh, forget about work. Squidward can cover for you, right?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Squidward, will you cover for me?"

"When pigs fly."

"Great! Say, what's a pig?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Uh...yeah, I--I guess he could. But first I have to go find a flying pig," SpongeBob replied.

For some reason, this statement made Sandy begin to tear up a bit. All SpongeBob needed ot hear were the first few sniffs before he realized that she had started up again.

"Oh no--uh, Sandy...Sandy I didn't mean that in a bad--"

"Y-Y-Y-You're leaving me...? In...my time of need??"

"No! No, who said I was leaving you--"

"You said you had to go find a flying pig!"

"Well, that's only because Squidward asked me to so that he could cover for--"

"What kind of idiot do you think I am!? Everybody knows pigs can't fly!!"

"...Oh...now I get it...he said 'when pigs fly' because they don't fly at all, meaning that he'd never--yes, I see it!"

Sandy automatically started bawling. "OHHHH, YOU HATE ME!!!" she cried. SpongeBob couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"What?? Who said that I--"

"YOU DON'T EVEN WANNA HANG OUT WITH ME! YOU JUST WANT ME TO LEAVE YOU ALOOOOONE!!!"

"Sandy, I--"

WAAAAAH!"

"Sandy--"

"WAHAHA!"

"Sandy--"

"WAHHA!"

"ALRIGHT ALREADY! I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO DO! ANYTHING TO GET YOU TO STOP CRYING!!"

Sandy automatically stopped and threw her arms around him. "Oh, thank-you, SpongeBob! You're the best!" she said.

SpongeBob rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm the best--now--sigh--what do you want to do?" he asked her.

Sandy smiled. "You mean what _don't_ I wanna do!"

"...00..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

**Just picture a scene in which SpongeBob is being pulled by Sandy all around town doing various girly things like getting facials, massages, shoe-shopping, going to book clubs, and renting _Father Of The Bride_ parts I & II, _While You Were_ _Sleeping_, and _The Wedding Planner_. Their day ends with the two of them taking several pictures in one of those picture booths at the mall. In each one Sandy is smiling broadly, and SpongeBob wears a forced smile or looks very troubled. When this little scene thingy ends they are at the Nail Shop, and SpongeBob is getting a French Tip.**

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"You know, you should really stop biting your nails. These things are almost gone!"

SpongeBob shook his head. "I _don't_ bite my nails. The stressfulness of today is wearing them down."

Just then, Sandy walked up to him. "Howdy, SpongeBob--ooh, those look really pretty," she said, holding up his hand to examine his nails.

"Hehe. Thank-you," SpongeBob replied through gritted teeth.

"Well, stay right there, I'm gonna go pick out my color. Oh, and I thought that maybe after this we could go catch _She's Having A_ _Baby 3_ at the movies," she said to him.

SpongeBob paled. "But--but--I thought we were gonna go see _Kung Fu Ninja Warriors vs. The Mutant Three Little Pigs_!" he cried.

Sandy eyed him suspicously. "Why would we wanna go see that violence-filled movie?"

"That's exactly why: it's violence-filled! We love violence, remember??"

"..."

"Uh...I mean...I just thought we were gonna go see a--a less sensitive movie since I'm kinda still teared up from _Father Of The_ _Bride_.."

Sandy placed a hand over her heart and smiled. "Awww, me too!" she said. "Tell ya what: before the movie starts, we'll go out and buy some of those Puffs Plus Scented Tissues, okay?"

"Uh--"

"Great. Be right back!"

"Uh, okay then.."

SpongeBob waited until Sandy was completely out of sight before turning to the woman who was doing his nails. "Five bucks says I can get outta here without a word," he said.

"Sure does," the woman replied, snatching up the five dollar bill.

SpongeBob darted swiftly past Sandy and headed outside of teh salon, where he crouched down in a corner and pulled out his new cell phone (Sandy thought it was important that they stay in touch at all times. They were in the same network, you know). He dialed the Krusty Krab's number. A very-stressed Squidward answered the other line.

"--pant, pant--H-Hello??"

"Squidward! I'm so glad I got in touch with you!"

"SpongeBob!? Where in Neptune's name are you, it's one of our busiest days of the year!!"

"Really? Aw, man...does Mr.Krabs know I'm not there?"

"No. I covered for you."

"You _did_? But Squidward, I didn't even bring you a flying pig yet--"

"Never mind that, you moron! Just get over here _now_!"

"O--Okay, Squidward, I'll try. But first I need some advice--"

"Get your own doctor, SquarePants!"

click.

"Squidward...hello, Squidward? Hello? Are you there? Squidward??"

"SpongeBob--where'd ya go, BFF?"

"AHHHH! I'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!"

And with that, SpongeBob leapt up and darted off back to the pineapple. He ran teh fastest he'd ever run in his entire life, adn felt a wave of reliefe whent he entered the Krusty Krab.

He gave a thumbs-up to Squidward, who merely glared at him as he flipped a burger with one hand and served several angry customers with the other. SpongeBob's quickly looked down at his feet and hurried into the kitchen.

"Phew!" SpongeBob said when he got inside. "Home free!"

"Not quite!"

"AHH! MR. KRABS!!"

"That's right, lad!"

"Mr. Krabs! I--I--this isn't what it looks like!!"

"So, you thought you could sneak out on 'ol Mr. Krabs, eh? Well you were far from rihgt, lad. Far from it!"

"Mr. Krabs, please try to understand! I didn't mean to--"

"Step into me office, boy!"

"...Yes, sir..."

SpongeBob entered the office and took a seat, while Mr. Krabs sat behind his desk. For a long time the two said nothing, and MR. Krabs just stared at SpongeBob with a piercing gaze, taping his fingers on teh desk. You could cut the tension with a butterknife.

"So..." Mr. Krabs began, "You took a little vacation...tried to play a game of hooky, huh?"

"Well, not exact--"

"Tried to pull the wool over old Eugene's eyes, did ya?"

"You see I--"

"Thought you could slip right past me unseen, and then expect _Squidward_ to cover for ya?"

"Well, I--yes, sir."

"Why, lad?"

"Well...Sandy just broke up with Larry and she was feeling really bad, so--"

"No, I mean why'd you ask Squidward to cover for you? I mean really,of all people..."

"Oh, I know, Mr. Krabs! It's just that...Sandy needed me to help her get through this whole thing, so I decided to take a day off for her."

Mr. Krabs' expressin softened. "Oh...well that was nice of ya."

"But I regret ever doing it!"

"Uh...what...?"

SpongeBob sighed. "Mr. Krabs!" he said, "Ever since Sandy and Larry broke up, it's been nothing but shopping sprees, and chick flics, and worst of all: FACIALS!"

"So...can't the lass have a little fun?"

"I meant _me,_ not her!"

"...Oh...uh--well, if, uh, that's what your into boy..then I guess..uh--"

"No, Mr. Krabs, not like that! I mean that ever since the break-up, Sandy's been using me to do all sorts of girly things with her, and I can't take much more of it!!! There, I said it!!"

There was a long pause in which Mr. Krabs looked at SpongeBob blankly. Then, after a moment or two, he threw his head back and laughed.

"Aaaaaagugugugugugugu! Agugugugu! SpongeBob, me boy, is that all that's troublin' ye?"

"Um--yes?"

"Well then, that can be settled in no time at all! SpongeBob, what is Sandy?"

"Uh...a squirrel?"

"Well...yes, but what _else_ is she?"

"...Pretty...?"

"Er--yeah, she is, but that's not the specific answer I'm lookin' for."

"Can I have a hint?"

Mr. Krabs sighed. "She's a _woman_, SpongeBob."

"She _is_!? Wow."

"My God, have you been livin' in a _box_ for the past twelve years?? Yes, she's a woman. A girl. A female."

"Oh, okay!"

"Yes, very good...now, whenever a woman suffers a break up, she usually turns to one of her girlfriends to help her get through it. They go shopping, they...they get their hair done, they do all kinds of ridiculous stuff to make them feel better. They _enjoy_ that kind of stuff, SpongeBob, adn us males call it 'A Woman Splurge'. They seem to get some sort of kick outta purchasing a tube of lipstick. I honestly don't see what the big deal is."

"Me either, Mr. Krabs. But--Sandy's never been the type to go _shopping_, or _get her naiils done_, or any of that stuff before. She's more of the...rugged type. So why is she doing it now?"

"Well, SpongeBob, when a female is going through a hard time, there are several different ways she can deal with it: she can eat herself out of house and home, she can sit and cry about it all day long, she can find happiness in the bottom f her father's wallet--I've had _that_ one before--or, in Sandy's case, she can she can do everything she couldn't do before--she can be _girly_. Get it?"

"I think so, Mr. Krabs. Wow, yoku sure do know a lot about women!"

Mr. Krabs chuckled. "Well lad, I've had a lot of expierience," he said with a sly wink.

"Just one more question.." SpongeBob said.

"What's that, boy?"

"Why does Sandy feel the need to bring _me_ along to her, uh--Woman Splurge?"

Mr. Krabs clapped a hand over his face. "SpongeBob, were you even listenin' to a word I just said??"

"Of course I was! I just wanna know!"

"You should _already_ know! Sandy is draggin' you along becuase she feels comfortable enough around you to do things she would normally do with...a..girl...huh..."

"What is it, Mr. Krabs?'

"Oh, uh...it's nothing, lad, nothing at all, just that...maybe you should excercise your male status a bit more.."

"Really? How do you do that?" SpongeBob asked brightly.

"Well..for starters, you've gotta let Sandy know that you mean business, 'cause you're the man, right?"

"Yeah...yeah, you're right...I _am_ the man!"

"And as the man, you're not gonna let a woman tell you what to do, right?"

"Right!"

"You've got a mind of your own, right!?"

"Yeah!"

"And you're not gonna let somebody tell you how you wanna live your life, right?!"

"Yeah, yeah!"

"YOU'RE GONNA DO WHAT YOU WANT, HOW YOU WANT IT, WHEN YOU WANT IT RIGHT?!

"Right!"

"'Cause you're what!?"

"I'm a man!"

"I can't hear you: you said you're what, now!?!"

"I'm a man!!"

"Who's the man!?"

"I'm the man!?"

"Who's the man!?"

"I'm the man!"

Who's the man!?"

"IM THE MAN!! YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

SpongeBob then stood on top of his chair and pretended to make a touchdown.

"Oh, Mr. Krabs; I feel so empowered! I'm gonna go straight over to Sandy's house and tell her how things are gonna be from now on!"

"_After_ work," Mr. Krabs put in, placing the Krusty Krab uniform hat on his employee's head.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. That too!"

And with that, SpongeBob marched outside chanting the chorus to "Be A Man" from Mulan.

"That's me boy, SpongeBob! The boy who's not comin' back without a few scratches..." Mr. Krabs siad, beginning to count his money.


	5. Kill Bob: Vol 1

**A/N: Okay, okay. I know that this one doesn't have as much SB/Sandy romance as my other stories do, but it still has some, so don't get mad at me!!** **Also, note that Sandy** **is a bit out of character in terms of seeming clingy and unstable to merely show and add more effect that guys are completely CLUELESS when it comes to women (no offense, fellas!). ****Well, pretty pretty please, R&R:-)**

Chapter 5: Kill Bob: Vol. 1

Once he had finished work, SpongeBob left the Krusty Krab with confidence and walked over to Sandy's house. Slipping on an air helmet, he knocked loudly on the door and waited for her to answer it.

"Just remember, SpongeBob: You're the man.." he told himself.

He sat there and waited for quite some time, but Sandy never came to the door. "Huh," he said, walking around to the side and peering into the glass. "That's funny...Sandy's not home..."

He paused and then suddenly gasped. "Oh, no! I just forgot: I'm missing _Saved By The Bell_!" he said, turning to leave. But before he did so, he blew on the glass with his breath and drew a heart in the fog. With a dreamy sigh, he darted away towards his house.

"Gary! I'm ho--hey...why are all the lights turned off??" SpongeBob wondered aloud as he stepped inside the darkened room. "Gare Bear...Gary, where are you?"

He flicked on the ligts and shrieked when he found Sandy sitting in his chair, knitting.

"AHH! Sandy...wha--what are _you_ doing here so late??"

"I've been waiting for you, SpongeBob.." the squirrel replied calmly, without looking up from her work.

"Er--you have?"

"Yes, I have. I thought you would still be in the Nail Salon, but you left me...you've been doing that alot, lately"

"Er--I have?"

"Yes--sigh--it's true. And I'm just afraid that I don't like it very much..."

There was a very long moment of silence before Sandy looked up at him with burning eyes. "I called you; I texted you twelve times and left you 44 mesages..."

"Sandy, I couldn't get int touch with you at the mo-"

"Where were you??"

"Sandy, what are you _talkin_' about?!"

"Don't worry, I won't get mad. I just wanna know.."

"Where do you think I was, I was at work! Sandy you can't just call me 24/7, I've got important things I have to be doing!"

Sandy's face and tone lightened. "Ohh, I'm sorry...come here..." she said, beckoning him with her finger.

SpongeBob couldn't resist her command. A goofy grin crossed his face. "Okay...!" he said in a distant tone, floating over to her.

"Closer.." Sandy whispered.

SpongeBob sighed and knelt closer to her.

"Just a _little_ more..." she said to him.

SpongeBob did as he was told without hesitation.

"No, sweetie--I mean go alllll the way there..."

"_Is this good my love_--I mean, uh...how's this...?"

Sandy smiled sweetly at him. "That's perfect," she said, her gaze suddenly going icy as she slapped him across his face. He was knocked back several feet and crashed into the wall, a picture that hung suspended above his head falling and breaking against his skull. He rubbed his throbbing temple and groaned.

"Oww! What was _that_ for!? I only did what--Ohhhhh no..."

Sandy was standing over SpongeBob holding a chainsaw, panting and looking like a deranged maniac.

"SpongeBob..." she said in an evil voice, "You played me like some kind of violin--and I don't like orchestras!!"

She swung the chainsaw towards him, to which he screamed and dodged the fatal blow.

"Sandy--no! Stop!"

"NOBODY MESSES AROUND WITH SANDY CHEEKS!!"

She held the chainsaw high above her head and laughed. SpongeBob cowered behind his sofa. Sandy took the chainsaw and sliced it in half, and he rolled over underneath his coffee table. She karate-chopped it and it also cracked into two pieces.

"Sandy! Listen to me: you're only doing this because you're angry!" SpongeBob tried to explain.

"Yer darn tootin' I'm angry! YOU LEFT ME AT A FREAKIN' NAIL SHOP!!!"

"No! No, no, I mean you're angry at _Larry_, and you're taking all your frustration out on me! There, see!?"

"SHUT-UP SO'S I CAN KILL YA!!"

Sandy attacked the chair, while SpongeBob snuck out of his Emergency Window and raced over to the one place where he knew he could find the anwser to his problems:

Mussel Beach...


	6. The Final Chapter

**A/N: Okay, okay. I know that this one doesn't have as much SB/Sandy romance as my other stories do, but it still has some, so don't get mad at me!!** **Also, note that Sandy** **is a bit out of character in terms of seeming clingy and unstable to merely show and add more effect that guys are completely CLUELESS when it comes to women (no offense, fellas!). ****Well, pretty pretty please, R&R:-)**

Chapter 6: The Final Chapter

SpongeBob stopped for a moment to catch his breath. After all, he had been running for thirty minutes straight. He then walked across the sand of Mussel Beach and over to the area where the Body Builders showed off their stuff for crowds. Even at night time, they were still out there lifting weights. SpongeBob automatically spotted his arch enemy out of all of them...

"Larry..." he growled, marching up to him.

Larry the Lobster was tossing one of those sand balls up and down, showing off for a pretty girl who looked like she only was about fifteen. SpongeBob cringed and tapped him on his shoulder. He frowned when he saw who was standing there and turned to the girl he was chatting it up with.

"Sarah--wink--call me."

Sarah erupted into giggles and raced off. Larry watched her go with a sly expression before turning back to SpongeBob.

"SquarePants, didn't you figure it out when you tore your pants--liftin' weights ain't for everybody!" Larry said flatly.

"I'm not here to lift weights, Lawrence. I'm here to talk to you about Sandy--"

"Oh, brother. Look SpongeBob, Sandy and me are _done_. We broke up for a good reason, and that's final. You follow me?"

SpongeBob glared up at the lifeguard. "I sure don't! You've just gotta take her back, Larry, you've just _got _to! As much as I...hate to admit it...she still loves you. Isn't that all that matters?" he asked him.

Larry gave him a raw look. "And you wonder why you don't have a girlfriend," he replied, turning to go. SpongeBob huffed and followed.

"It's _Steve's_ fault, Larry! STEVE!"

"Yeah, listen up, small fry: why don't ya get outta here before somebody bigger than you comes around and feels like causing some sorry dude discomfort. Don't worry, I'll keep your little trip up here on the DL," Larry said, giving SpongeBob a soft pat on the back.

He stumbled forward a bit from the strong force of it. "No need to Larry! I've got a reservation, see!?"

SpongeBob held up a little white ticket. Larry squinted his eyes to examine it and shook his well-tanned head.

"Sponge, we've been fighting over that hot, babe of a woman I like to call Sandy Cheeks since '99--and the better man eventually won. But now you have a chance to win her over with your...uh..._innocence_, since we're both now back on the market--"

A goregous angel fish with long, silvery hair walked past them. Larry became transfixed.

"--And Neptune knows I sure have a lot of time to make up for!"

He started to walk over towards the girl, but SpongeBob stopped him.

"Lawrence Percy the Lobster!" he said loudly, "You are going to come with me, RIGHT NOW, and lay things on the line for this chick--because if you don't..."

He grabbed Larry and pulled him down to his eye level, "I will either lose my life or become _gay_!"

"Dude, alright, alright!" Larry said, breaking free of SpongeBob's grip. "Just...just don't say my real name in public again!"

"Deal. Now let's go."

----------------------------------------------------------

SpongeBob dragged a slightly-frightened Larry all the way over to his pineapple.

"Oh, yeah! I forgot you live in a fruit--sweeeet!"

"Stay focused, will ya??' SpongeBob said, pushing open the door.

Sandy was jumping all over the place with her chainsaw, searching for SpongeBob.

"WHERE'D YA GO, SPONGEBOB!?! I'M GONNA FIND YOU ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!!!"

"Uh...Sandy?"

Sandy spun around to find SpongeBob standing in the doorway and freaked.

"YOU WALKED OUT ON ME _AGAIN_!? OH, YOU ARE SOOOO GONNA DIE!!" she said, leaping towards him with the weapon.

"Sandy--wait! I--I've got a visitor for you!!"

Sandy paused as SpongeBob pulled Larry the Lobster out from behind the side of the house, where he was hiding. She dropped the chainsaw and gasped.

"Larry! Wha--what are you doing here!?" she cried in disbelief.

Larry scratched the back of his neck.

"I was brought here against my will. Duh."

"...Same old Larry, I see..."

"Same old Sandy, _everyone_ can see," Larry said, nodding to the chainsaw.

"Very funny--aren't you the little comedian..."

"Haha, nice comeback."

"Thank you."

"...You know...if you're thinking that we're gonna get back together because of this, then--"

"--scoff--Please, I hardly even think about you anymore."

SpongeBob snorted. "Yeah, Sandy; he never crosses your mind," he said.

"Shut-up," Sandy said quickly without looking away from Larry.

"Well...the sponge dude thinks we should...talk."

"We have absolutely _nothing_ to talk about, Larry...anymore..."

"My thoughts exactly--"

"So this entire thing is--"

"Stupid?"

"No, I was gonna say 'completely pointless' but that could work, too."

"...Okay, then...so..."

"So, where do we go from here..."

"..."

"..."

"Oh, I can't take this anymore!!" SpongeBob cried, walking inbetween the two.

"Larry--Sandy wants to know why you guys broke up--"

"WHAT!? I never said that I--"

"So get talking before I puke!!"

SpongeBob darted inside the house and stomped up the stairs. Sandy and Larry just looked at each other.

"--sigh--Sandy, let me apologize for--"

"You? _I'm_ the one who should be apologizing, Larry. You're the one who broke up with me, and...I guess I should just learn to live with your decision.."

"No, Sandy--you deserve an explanation as to why I said what I did, and...I didn't even wanna break up with you in the first place."

Sandy was in utter shock. "You didn't!? Well, then, why did you??" she asked.

Larry sighed. "Because," he said. "I...I could see that your heart was with someone else..."

He gestured to his side, causing Sandy to make a face. "Oh, God--Larry, uh...believe me I do _not_ love Squidward...I mean...I guess he's tall, but still, I don't--"

"No!" Larry said. "No, I didn't mean Squidward, I...I meant the guy who owns the house we're standing in.."

Sandy's eyes darted around the room nervously. "Larry I--but...but how did you know--"

"Men notice these things, too..."

And with one final smile, he turned and left...

Sandy stood in the doorway feeling like an idiot.

"Larry!" she called out.

He spun around and looked at her. "Yeah?" he replied.

"Is...it okay if we still be friends??"

He chuckled. "The famous line, huh...but yeah...we can still be friends. You're really cool, Sandy."

"You, too, Larry."

The two friends smiled at each other as Larry returned to Mussel Beach and Sandy gently shut the door. When she turned around she found SpongeBob standing there.

She blushed slightly. "Uh...SpongeBob, I am so, so, soooo sorry--I guess I was just so ready to forget about Larry that I had to turn to you instead and I'm really sorry for that, because I know how much of a torture this week has been for you and--wait...how much of that conversation did you hear...?" she asked him.

SpongeBob took a step closer to him. "I was eavesdropping, so, yeah...pretty much all of it," he replied.

He took another step.

"And...the last part...?" Sandy asked him.

He took several more steps.

"That was the only part I really paid attention to..."

And then, the two friends who have loved each other since the day they met shared their first kiss...

Just then, Gary entered the room and snapped a photo. "MeeeeeeeOWWWW!" he said. The two broke apart.

"Gary--get out!" SpongeBob said. Sandy giggled.

"Ehhh, let him look," she said, going back to their kiss.

**Well, that's the last of it. I hope you all have enjoyed my first completed fanfic, sorry the ending was so stupid, it's 11:48 at night right now over here and I wanna go to bed...well, please leave me a review, and thanks so much for reading!!**

**Wuv, **

**Paige :-)**


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